A Shade of Grey

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

Warning: this is a melancholy post. I wish the title could be more like “12 Steps to Overcome Depression” or “5 Natural Therapies To Improve Your Mood.” I wish that were my story. We all love to find remedies for the things that ail us.

I sit here on my sofa on a rainy and grey April morning. Lavender and lemon essential oil are in my diffuser and I “should” have a cup of strong coffee to drink but I forgot to buy creamer and I’ve never brought myself to love black coffee. The weather outside describes how I feel inside as lately my mood has been dark. But, that’s not at all new to me. You see, judging by my generally sunny and calm disposition most people experience when they talk with me, they wouldn’t know that in reality, most of my life has been painted a shade of grey by depression.

It began when I was about 12, much probably due to an early childhood trauma I experienced but I have since learned through genetic testing that I am a “mutant” in regards to my many mental health-related gene mutations. My Mom pulled me out of school at age 13 because I was very depressed, as in, I didn’t want to live anymore. I was homeschooled from then on and in honesty, the depression never really left me, and at age 35, it’s still here. There are times that I just don’t feel very interested in being alive. It became worse and turned more of a charcoal grey during “hormonally charged” times like puberty, pregnancy, or postpartum. Or, slightly better, a light dove grey, in the few vibrant times I had: when I fell in love at 16, or when I spent 6 months in Australia at 18, or when I had my first daughter at 20, and my world temporarily looked a little bit brighter.

Often in trying to explain my depression to my husband I will say “It’s as if my world has been painted a shade of grey.” I tend to think other people’s “normal” mood is somewhere in the middle, I would say my “normal” is much lower on the scale. I have tried multiple medications, endless supplements, healing with nutrition, herbs, homeopathy, essential oils, brain therapies, light lamps, exercise, years of counseling, and yet, the sadness looms. I have been told that I just need to spend more time with God, pray more, read the Bible more. Even though I have done all those things and have begged for God to “remove this cup of suffering.” And yet, depression stays.

I do not like the way the church deals with mental health issues. Often, when you tell another believer that you have depression, they give you “spiritual advice” but depression isn’t necessarily a “spiritual issue”, it could be a mental, emotional, or physical issue. It is often perceived as a weakness when one struggles with mental illness. But perhaps, those who do, are the strongest of all because they have a substantial extra burden heaped upon their shoulders to live with daily. Depression is not a sin. The Bible is filled with those who have lamented to God in sorrow, like David or Job. I look at depression as a “thorne in my flesh” like Paul’s. (2 Corinthians 12:7) I have heard a quote that said “anything that makes you need God is a blessing.” Well, depression certainly makes me need God, but it sure is hard to look at it as a blessing. I suppose I must look at it as a way that I share in Jesus’s suffering. All creation groans as we wait for hope to come for us, when our bodies can be free from sin and suffering. I don’t understand why my depression remains, but I choose to believe God is still with me in it. I may never be fully free of it in this life, but I trust that one day, all things will be made new. Until then, I’ll keep breathing, keep praying for joy, and keep holding on to hope.

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul—and sings the tune without the words—and never stops at all.”
-Emily Dickinson